Are you rhythmically challenged? Does your guttural moaning and expletive laden calls for incestuous relations with a parental figure ruin your bi-monthly night of passion? If so, then a force-sensitive sound-playing condom might be just what you need to set the mood. The inventor of the musical cock-ring and the burping, peeing doll you played with as a kid has another hit device ready to be licensed by manufactures the world over.
The device is a condom with a little music playing chip at the base that gets activated when you and your partner’s suprapubic genital areas make contact (ie you bumping uglies). As amusing as the device itself is the patent application for it is even better. For example the following passage is direct from the text of the patent:
The music or voice message may be played once (e.g ., an overture or melody may be played for about 20 seconds) or it may be repeated continuously for several minutes to coincide with the duration of coitus. A voiced message may be a warning about safe sex, or a compliment to the couple for using a condom. Suitable melodies (if music is played) may be The 1812 Overture, “The Ode to Joy” from Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, the song “Happy Birthday To You“, the “Anniversary Waltz” or any popular love song.
Paul Lyons, the inventor of the musical condoms, must have had phenomenally good concentration and equally bad staying power, because in his world its possible to both get a lady off and keep it up, while hearing the same 20 second clip repeated continuously for “several minutes”. While I’m no tantric god, I can do better then several minutes although perhaps not if there is a continuous loop of “Happy Birthday To You“. Finally, why would I want a safe sex message while I’m having safe sex? If this product ever makes it to the market and you buy one for your partner the absolute worst musical selection I can think of is, “I’m a little tea pot“. Other ideas?